February 9, 2016

KO's Ringside Notes & Quotes XI — The KOD Kayfabe Knockout Edition

Like a kick in the nuts
If pro wrestling was "real" I'd write more "spoof" stories like this one:

Vince McMahon Declares: ‘Bret Gave Bret Prostate Cancer!

By Freeman 'The Fabulous' Freebird

Stamford, Connecticut — The world reacted to the terrible news with compassion and sympathy. But as wrestling fans the world over know, WWE owner Vince McMahon is neither compassionate nor sympathetic.

When word of Bret Hart's cancer diagnosis reached McMahon via social media last week just hours after Hart's heartfelt posting was shared online by McMahon's son-in-law Paul "Triple H" Levesque following another grueling (but successful) WWE world title defense, the stone cold boss of World Wrestling Entertainment had this to say about the "Hitman" he so infamously screwjobbed in Montreal: "I have not, nor will I ever forgive Bret Hart for spitting that disgusting, non-gimmicked loogie in my face. Some of it even dripped into my mouth. Look, I'm sorry that Bret screwed up his own prostate by insisting on the Sharpshooter as his finishing maneuver. I tried to warn him many, many times that it would have long-term health consequences for his bread basket but he refused to listen to me or to the 'Heartbreak Kid' Shawn Michaels."

RIP Rowdy Roddy
"I have no sympathy whatsoever for Bret," re-emphasized McMahon from his family compound.  

"Bret has always done whatever the hell Bret wanted to do and now it's time for him to pay the piper," bellowed a rowdy McMahon from the pit of his stomach. Asked by this reporter if he or the WWE bears any responsibility for Hart's present condition, McMahon grew angry and adamant while steroid filled veins bulged from his 80 year-old chicken neck: "As an excellent sports entertainment executor, I am the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. The truth is that Bret gave Bret prostate cancer by being such a world class championship dick!"

"Nobody ever kicked out of Mr. Perfect's Perfect-Plex but I did," Tweeted Bret from treatment. 

"I can pin cancer, stage one, two, three," #HashtagHart promised his loyal, sunglass wearing fans.

Mexican Style 
Hashtag Khanelo — The recent Golden Boy Promotion announcement of ‪#‎CaneloKhan‬ for May 7 seemed to come out of nowhere. I was as surprised as anybody to find out that "world middleweight champion" Saul Canelo Alvarez would be defending his newly won Ring Magazine and WBC 155 pound catchweight titles for the first time against a chinny welterweight with two knockout losses at the hands of super lightweights.

This must be what newly sober promoter Oscar De La Hoya calls "marination" for a fall (down) match-up with wrecking ball Gennady Golovkin. I'll believe it only when I see it in the ring. Don't expect that unification super-fight to come out of nowhere. Expect it to go nowhere. Fast. Like a few other boxing "dream fights" that fight fans won't be seeing anytime soon, ‪#‎GGGCanelo‬ doesn't make enough dollars or enough sense to the hombres who control Canelo and who make mucho dinero off their red-headed Mexican star.

Show Me State — The first time I got a live look at future IBF heavyweight champion of the world Charles "Missouri" Martin, it was on a ridiculously hot summer day in July of 2013 at Rockingham Park in Salem, NH. I was ringside to cover the ESPN Friday Night Fights card for KO Digest. Martin stopped somebody named Aaron Kinch in four rounds on the non-televised undercard. More than anything Martin did in the ring, I couldn't help but notice his trainer Henry Tillman of Mike Tyson fame. Notably older and heavier, I barely recognized Tillman but it was nice to see him in the "Live Free or Die" state. Hank Lundy beat Ajose Olusegun in the main event and "Polish Prince" Ryan Kielczewski scored a sensational knockout of Miguel Sosa. On this night, Marlon Hayes made more of an impression (in defeat against Alexis Santos) than Martin ever did in victory. Today, Martin's a "world champion" in the resurgent post-Klit heavyweight division.

The Son of God before resurrection
Super middleweight Darnell "Deezol" Boone talks to the KO Digest about the experience of fighting (and knocking down) a young Andre Ward in a six round decision loss in 2005 — "I said “I want to fight this guy. I can beat him.” No sooner did I say that, two or three months later it came about. I knew I could beat this dude. I believe I beat him, everybody that was there thought I beat him, and he knew I beat him. Ward was hurt with an uppercut, straight right hand. The referee gave him a delayed count, he got up, and he stayed away from me. First three rounds, he won slightly. Second three I win, then I won the fight with the knockdown but you know how boxing politics are." 

The late, great, cigar chompin' Boxing Hall of Fame writing hero Bert Randolph Sugar held cage fighting in contempt — "It's really just bad boxing combined with one guy sitting on top of another guy, punching him in the face. Where's the martial part? Where are the arts?"

They're in the professional wrestling ring Bert. 

By Jeffrey Freeman, KO Digest